I think I've been depressed lately because I've been channelling almost all my energy into working on creative projects.
This feels normal because when I am like this I feel like I have nothing else to offer anyone.
Given the choice between being idle and burning my limited time in this life, and creating something of no value to anyone, I choose to put my energy into something that could outlast me, even if it's trash. It's the best I could do.
The older I get the more I realise I love deeply, but find it difficult to accept love.
To love something is to understand something. All my life people have given me love, and they innevitably get hurt when I don't recognise it happening.
I just end up making them feel like I'm impossible to understand, no matter how much they try. Most drift away thinking that's what I wanted, and likely to protect themselves.
I believe this is what Schopenhauer called the "Hedgehog's dilemma". Most of the people who I have loved the most and loved me are like that, and the ones that remain seem to have found a comfortable distance.
I really want to make this project I've been working on a fun thing. I could channel my bleak mental state into bleak work, but that kind of thing is usually boring and self indulgent (like this) and doesn't feel particularly creative.
That isn't to say I want to be inauthentic, but I want to be creative. A couple of months ago I ran into a guy I knew from doing stand-up comedy at a small comedy open mic where he was trying to return to it. He wrote some dark material but it was very funny. Before the show he said he wasn't sure about it. When I thought about it more later I felt like I should have been more encouraging because it is very funny to be in dark times and find that dark time still funny. I like the idea that when all hope is lost that there is a glimmer of truth that is so undeniable and unanticipated that all you can do is laugh. That is an essential comedy.